i had a very hard loss (this year)
hard because it was permanent
hard because i really wanted it
hard because it depleted my body
hard because i didn’t know how to process it
hard because it broke my heart
hard because i was angry at myself
hard because i felt ashamed
hard because i wondered if i could have done better
hard because it hurt
hard because i was traumatized and didn’t know it
till the lights started to flicker
it became hard to hear
and i just couldn’t stop shaking
it was as if i was made of trembling
no longer really here
just a shell of a person
i used to know
empty and thoroughly freaked

it was unpleasant to say the least
ghastly really

i am mostly recovered now (i think)
in the most important ways
i am pretty sure i am in the clear
the nightmarish evenings
endless obsessing
crying uncontrollably
self loathing on repeat
and hopeless hauntings
are rarer and rarer visitors for me

i notice
i am more whole
than i have ever known myself to be
i am more flexible than i imagined possible for me
i think i am starting to remember accurately
that i was already struggling
in ways i wasn’t truly aware of
that likely needed to come to a head for me
and the only thing
that has ever really made me
pay attention
is not being able to make what i want happen
or losing something or someone dear to me

and in this case both happened
a brutal sort of becoming…

and it has been all kinds
of upsetting
all kinds of humbling
endlessly agonizing
oh so confronting
and disturbingly disappointing

i managed to have a massive upswing
this summer
a likely life-saving swing
much needed relief
and i have been really happy
a lot of the time (since)
more happy than i knew i could be
and it’s been good
to find myself
appreciating effortlessly
enjoying earnestly
laughing loudly
playing really

but this week was hard
memories came crashing in
making sleep scary
and mornings unnerving
(it was an anniversary
of the happening)

so i have been finding
comfort in honey crisp apples
and extra sharp cheddar cheese
seasons of silly reality tv
commercial free
requisite work that has been stacking up
as i have been busy feeling
and writing like this
all kind of words strung together
to make some type of poetry

i’ve been worried
i am slipping away again
but today was better
and brighter
and less

a slow and steady
to my new home
the place inside of me
that trusts
and knows
and cares to grow
the part that never gives up
even if it needs to go slow
the place where i know
love will always live
the home that no one
can take from me
the one i made
in me

❤️emily joy rosen

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