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i have been dumped. i used to think that was the most embarrassing thing to admit. i mean, really, it’s so intense when someone you love doesn’t want to be with you. and then to not only be rejected but to have other people know he didn’t choose me was just the most excruciating feeling to me for all of my twenties … | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

i have been dumped

i used to think
that was the most embarrassing
thing to admit

i mean, really
it’s so intense
when someone you love
doesn’t want to be with you

and then to
not only be rejected
but to have
other people know
he didn’t choose me
was just the most
excruciating
feeling
to me
for all
of my
twenties

so much so
i actively avoided
intimacy at all costs
keeping men
far away

so far away
that when they left me
i got to say
“well it wasn’t really me
they rejected
they didn’t even know me”

the sad part is
that my fear
of being discarded
had me so disconnected
i got dumped
repeatedly
which only
confirmed
for me
the need
to stay
further
away

talk about
a self-fulfilling
prophecy

i haven’t had to face this in myself
for the last 7 years
being in a relationship
that i felt sincerely safe in
and deeply committed to
had me relax in love
in a way i never have before
and i stopped hiding
for fear of rejection
because the depth of connection
was so worth it
and i felt met
completely there

honesty was our policy
and so while it wasn’t always pretty
it was always real
and i would trade
pretty for real
always

but what i am finding
is that is most definitely
not true
for many people
i have talked to

we seem to be rather resigned
when it comes to relationship
there is so much hurt in the system
dating often feels like
walking in a mine field
of candle-lit dinners
and lazy sunday afternoons
where the littlest thing
results in someone snapping
or worse, ghosting

i am not sure
when it became
so standard
to break up with someone
by disappearing on them
that there is an actual term for it
ghosting
is just as horrifying
as it sounds

and while i haven’t had it happen to me
i imagine you have to be
pretty disconnected
from your humanity
to be intimate with someone
and then not even have the decency
to tell them goodbye directly

but i digress…

here is what i am noticing
and what i am committed to
reminding myself daily

someone rejecting me
or not wanting to be with me
is only embarrassing
if i make it mean something
about me
beyond recognizing
we simply aren’t meant to be

and while it still stings
and hurts
and i dread it, truly

not letting myself
feel ashamed
has been
a saving
grace for me

shame only pushes
the hurt deeper
embedding stories
about not being good enough

there are so very many people
in this world
i mean really, so many
it is only logical that there are
some for you
and for me

so instead of protecting
against rejection
or wallowing
in what used to be
i have found it very freeing
to stop calculating
and let things blow up
if they need to

here is the thing…

it’s gonna happen
if you let someone in
if you choose to partner
with another human being
you will inevitably
trigger each other

and you will eventually
bond
or break up

seems to me
there is nothing
humiliating
about that
and for the first time
maybe ever
i am clear
i would much rather
be alone
then spend my life
posturing, posing
and pretending
to get someone
or keep someone
in relationship with me

so get clear
about what matters to you
let things blow up
if they need to
be as transparent
as you wish your relationship to be
trust you will be okay
even if a love leaves you

as far as i can tell
as hard as it is to lose someone
you love
it’s way harder
to find you have lost
yourself too

so stay true
stay impeccably true
to you

❤️ emily joy rosen

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