i have used men to escape myself
i have used the flushed flurry of new love to mask my woes
i have rushed into arms sweet
laced panties and stories untold
i have lied, dodged, and deflected
to avoid intimacy at all cost

when i look back at who i used to be there’s an irony not lost on me
my disorders and addictions were driven by the desire for connection, yet when i was faced with it,
when i could almost taste it
i wasn’t there

my first year out of college my boyfriend broke up with me by simply never returning my calls.
we had been inseparable for most of the year
and often talked of a future bright

i didn’t know that people could do that
i didn’t know that people would do that
just like that it was over

a few weeks later i went to a party and he was there and he pretended he didn’t know me

i remember walking past him hoping to catch his eye

but he turned away

two months later i was at a show and he was there again

how strange to be in a room with someone you once felt so close to, and now felt unable to talk to

that night i found myself in my car looking down at my hands, knuckles scraped blistered and bloody

i didn’t understand why my eating disorder was so out of control
i didn’t understand why despite my best intentions, every night, i seem to fall into a black hole
i didn’t understand how someone could go from loving me to acting as though i didn’t exist
and i didn’t know what to do

i remember staring at the street lights so long that they began to melt before my eyes

i thought of my childhood and how i used to love staring at lights with fascination and wonder

i was hollow

that night i made a decision to leave
to do the thing most humiliating to me
to admit that i couldn’t do this on my own and that i was getting worse

i called my parents from the car and told them i was coming home

that was about 12 year ago

today

❤️ emily joy rosen

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