i haven’t been able to write
hardly at all for a while now
because there are things
i am afraid to share

i read once somewhere
if you have writer’s block
it is because you are not writing
the thing you are meant to be writing
the things you are actually most yearning to say

i have tried dancing around this
for a long while now
and i probably will still dance
in ways that attempt
to avoid damages
not yet worth my freedom

and maybe someday
my freedom will be more
important than him or her
not being mad at me
but it still feels
like i would die
if their disregard
turned to hate
it feels like i am dying
swallowing all my truths
trying to write
without saying
the things

so i am gonna try
i am gonna try to write the things
i have been afraid to say
even if vaguely
yes it will likely start out hazily
as a brain used to terror tends be
and i will do my best
to own my shortcomings
and dysfunctions along the way

pointing fingers
at anyone but me
has never made me feel
much better
not for long
i would rather it be
that the issues are all with me
because then i can at least
have some chance of change
making it better
by changing me

what i learned this year
is that sometimes
fingers pointing only at me
has me missing things
things that are contributing
to how i am feeling
things darker than i knew they could be
with people who are just wired
so very differently
they cannot know empathy
at least not enough
to care about impact
people whose words mean all kinds of nothing
as lying comes so naturally
and truth is a slippery thing
they can word-dance around
turning even the simplest of questions
into a lesson
on my shortcomings

yes some people who have skills
i do not
skills i didn’t even know were skills
ways of scrambling and redirecting
that i didn’t even know were a possibility
things i would never have imagined
would affect me
after all
i am not dumb
and i pay attention
hypervigilant to an extreme
but i didn’t know to track this thing
i didn’t know to track
how someone could say things they do not mean
to have me feel a certain way
and then act like things didn’t happen
that i thought i knew for sure did
while “helping” me see
all my crazy
all my woundings
in ways that had me
obsessed with fixing me
instead of wondering
if something outside of me
was helping drive
the anxiety
making the crazy
having me doubt

so this
has been my world for a while
and i have been really scared
to talk about it
worried i would say something
that would have more pain come my way
terrified of what he or she would do
if i said anything they didn’t want me to
freaked at how freaked
i have been
for so long
freaked and frozen
perfectly paralyzed
loyal to a memory
of something i thought was real
despite all the evidence
to the contrary

till now
this last time
i let myself feel
the blatant disregard
i let myself feel what was coming at me
without trying to get where they’re coming from
or why it would be and how i could have done
this or that differently
i just let myself feel
without any story
i let myself feel
and it smashed what was left
of my still hoping
for something different there

and i want something different now
for me

living on hope has left me starving

all i have wanted for a long while
is for something to be good
that wasn’t good
and now
now i want to write again
and smile easily
i want to not feel like i am choking
on my truths
such that i cannot finish most sentences
without getting scrambled and confused
i want to not be so scared always
scared that i might do or say the wrong thing
the thing/s that will
have love leave
have me marginalized
and made to seem crazy
to discredit anything
i might say as my truth

yes i am scared

and what i know
to do
when here
is to do the thing
i am most afraid of
to say the things
i have been too scared to say
yes what i know to do
is to lean into the fear
yes to lean in
if not i will disappear
i already almost did

so here i go
this is the beginning
of my revealing

i got in way over my head
and i want to share with you
what i have learned
what i am learning
as i walk my way out
of the darkest dark
i have ever known….

❤️ emily joy rosen

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