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i lost my appetite for a good part of this year. the girl who didn’t care about much in me, didn’t care. part of me liked not having to worry about cravings, eating only for fuel part of me liked feeling less human, needless in a way… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

i lost my appetite
for a good part of this year

the girl who didn’t care
about much in me, didn’t care…
part of me liked not having to worry
about cravings, eating only for fuel
part of me liked feeling less human,
needless in a way…
and a part of me was concerned

lack of appetite
and lack of desire to be here
on this planet
to be alive
have a strong bond for me
i was bottoming out
and this was just another
of the significant signs
that something was awry
not right, not working…

some signs are distinctly easier for me
to ignore than others

my appetite is not one of them

i got happier at the end of this summer
and it started coming back with a vengeance…
as if it was committed to making up for lost time
i for the first time in years had intense cravings at night…
my appetite got real loud

i am committed to not denying myself
eating when i felt the need
was a key aspect of my recovery
and so i ate…

sometimes very little,
sometimes very much

and i watched…
when did i seem to want to eat
when not so much
when i wanted to be extreme
and i started to do the work of tracking my body
as i started to put on weight
not a ton and i never weigh myself
so not sure exact amounts
but definitely some

my chest became fuller
and belly rounder
my bum began to sway more
and legs jiggle

i enjoyed it at first
then panic

does it ever end? i thought
i am tired of having to pay attention
i am tired of having to care
and my body just feels like one more thing
i have to attend to, think about,
take care of
and i just don’t want to

ah…
ha…
that was how i was feeling about most everything
burdened, annoyed, hurt…
yet again
how i was relating to food
was showing me
how i was relating to most everything

sigh… and refreshing
to be reminded again
it’s rarely about the thing we think it is
for me, it is rarely about the food

food is like a signpost in my life
when it is getting weird
i am getting weird
maybe it’s the same for you
or maybe it is booze
or youtube binging
social media stalking
or self harming
maybe it’s picking fights with a loved one
or being reckless with money
maybe it is feeling numb
or crying uncontrollably

we all have our ways of knowing
when the heart is not held
the soul is not heard
when the mind is spinning out
when things are not good for us
when things are needing some changing…

so i have been reorganizing
i have been prioritizing the things
i know matter to me
recommitting to what i value most
retreating more and more from socializing
so i am sure to not miss a whisper
of what is trying to be heard
of what is wanting my attending
in me

listening
i am
finally again
listening and enjoying it
what about you?

oh and enjoying food again
i am enjoying that again too

❤️ emily joy rosen

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