i notice
just so you know
i notice
who turns away
and who speaks
trite pleasantries
to me

and i know
just so you know
i know
way more than you think i do
because i became paranoid
so have been collecting
data points of misdeeds diligently
as a strategy for sanity seeking

and i hear
just so you know
i hear
what you
and you
are saying now
i hear
about how
you are one way with me
and another with him
and her and him and her
yes i hear
how you
and you too
are dabbling in half truths
positioning always
posturing predictably
nurturing your nuanced perspectives
that keep you just distant enough
you don’t have to acknowledge
what you enabled too

and i see
just so you know
and it’s not the kinda thing
you can unsee
it’s for sure the kinda thing
that completely
alters your reality
such that your past
begins to make sense
in rewind
so to be clear
i am not re-writing anything
i am not just some scorned crazy chick
who didn’t get what i wanted
so is now changing history
i am finally seeing
what was once hidden from me

oh and tell me
tell me please about the ways
you get to sleep at night
and can still be intimate
starting new love stories
as i stay up teeth chattering
as trauma tries to make its way
out of me
as i still try to word dance
around the truth
the truth that i am so messed up
by you
no, not just by him and him
but you and you and you
by your use of words i am finally getting
you don’t even understand the significance to
by your shoulder shrugs
and preference to just wait
for it to all go away

yes i am disturbed
just so you know
by what you make okay
for the psyches of others
and bodies unprotected
with your passivity
and silence stunning

and i am hurt
just so you know
i am so hurt
by how you avert with lines like
lost cause and damaged goods
and by how you give advice like
lay low and keep your distance like i do
and how you make sense
so you don’t have to feel
with glib intellectualizing
and frameworks fundamentally flawed
yes i am so hurt
or is it horrified
yes i am horrified too

and i scream
through the tears
just so you know
i found my scream
for the first time yesterday
i got angry
i have been collapsed
for as long as i can remember
terror telling me
that shutting up
was the right thing
the good thing
after all i know
i know what they say about
women like me
so maybe silence
is safer
at least if i was still willing
to hand over my dignity
in exchange for niceties
those most lovely nods of approval
that i am still addicted to

and i want
just so you know
more than that
more than my drug of choice
i want to not feel crazy
and want to help
anyone else who has been
made crazy too

and so i write
just so you know
i am writing now
because i think it is the right thing
the good thing
the kind thing
to protect
more minds
from getting lost
in dynamics
that are designed
to disempower
with people
who do not care
it is really
really very important to get
that there are people
who do not care
they do not care
about you
no matter what they say they do
you have to actually
watch what they do

and i am appalled
just so know
i am appalled by you
and you and you too
because sometimes
it’s what you don’t say
that makes a wrongdoer
out of you
yes sometimes
it’s what you don’t do
that makes an abuser
out of you
and just so you know
he just did it again
to another one
who was trying
to protect
him too

yeah just now, again
barely a breath between

so yeah
i am done
just so you know
i am done
with you

❤️ emily joy rosen

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