i want you to remember me
how i was when you first knew
i was the one for you

and i want you to forget
all the in-betweens
where i lost me
and turned on you

but this isn’t how it works
this isn’t how love stories go

because things get messy
stories get tangled
and i have to face
all i detest in me
in you

as we were separating
marc said something
i will be forever grateful for
he said,
“if you don’t do this work with me
you will have to keep doing it
over and over and over again
until you get
this part of you
is no longer serving you”

i wanted to run
i didn’t want to face all the places
i know i had handled myself poorly
i didn’t want to look into the eyes
of someone who knows me so well
and admit i knew
all the places

i was hurt
and angry
i was sad
and touching

but i know when
i hear truth
i know when
there is work to do

and so we did something
i am incredibly proud of
we dug in

as everything
was crumbling
we dug in
we dove deep
and we touched
our deepest insecurities
with sincere apologies

they say that for wounds to heal
we need to stop touching them
and while this may be true
what i experienced was
quite the contrary

all the places inside you
that you refuse to look at
are running you

and i see it now so clearly
i see how so many of the choices
i have made in relating
have been from a place
of profound anxiety
driven by a fear of being discovered
for who i don’t want to be
a fear that you would see
all the darkness
that lives in me
and leave

because in all honesty
i can go very dark
and i can hate hard
i can hurl hurtful words
and ruin precious memories

my way with words
that serves me so well
when i write poetry
can cut through hearts
and leave
spirits bleeding out

it pains me to say this
even now
it pains me to know this part of me
and how she came to live in me
i can trace my memories
and see exactly how i became
a hardened version of me

i can tell you all the ways
i have been violated, hurt or betrayed
the ways i have been attacked
and lied to

but none of this matters, really
and this is something
i had to come to terms with
and i had to make a choice…
do i let the wounds turn me
into a person i am not
or do i let them be
what they are –
a story
that reminds me
of who i do not wish to be

i feel into both possibilities
and know, embarrassingly quickly
it is time,
time to grow up in the ways
i never wanted to
time to take responsibility
for every aspect of how i show up
down to the quiver in my voice
and the words that i am shrieking
it is time

i hope you don’t let your wounds
turn you into a person
you don’t want to be
i hope
you never forget
you are not
what has happened to you

i hope you remember
to remember
you can always
and forever
this is not how this story
is going to end

❤️ emily joy rosen

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