i was bonding again
and it felt
almost good
but as i got close
i remembered
what it felt like
the first time

and how it felt
to lose someone
who had become
a part of me
so i retracted
got stiff
and distant
so much so
there was nothing
to connect to
and bonds
made of tender warmth
tend to shatter
in the freezing cold

so when
she asked me
if i thought
i would ever have
“that kind”
of love

tears came

i don’t even know
if i want that again
i said
through the blurred vision
and sniffles
in my attempts
to hide the hurt

maybe it only
ever happens
maybe it is meant to be
a once in a lifetime
kinda feeling

she looked at me
with the faintest flicker
of pity
and i felt rage
press out of me

there are few things
i care less for
than pity

i am pretty sure
i like this kind of love
i hurled at her

sure there will never
be that
mixed with blind belief
in this being different
in the insistence
that this love story
could never end in tears

i just can’t imagine
i will ever have that kind of love again
i will never have the gall
to think it couldn’t happen to me
i will always and forevermore
know that for some people
and some relationships
things end ugly
no matter the promises made
no matter the dreams shared
no matter the love felt

and that
is just the way it is
i heard myself say
in a voice
that didn’t
sound like me

okay, okay
she said
putting her hand
on mine
i get it

you get
to love
you get
to love
you please

yes, i said
yes i do

we get
to love
we choose

❤️emily joy rosen

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