i was in the shower at a quarter before midnight
i am one of the few i know who hates baths

i found out yesterday
i am going to have to go back in for ankle surgery
the screws are rubbing things
so my ankle aches always
and swells to double it’s size randomly

i ordered sushi at 3:30
for dinner at 8:30
because i imagined they would stop delivering early
and i had my heart set on new years eve sushi

nostalgically i got the frozen yogurt
that was my favorite in my twenties
a frozen treat i’m now pretty sure
it was my starving days
that made this taste good to me

henry has been extra needy today
and i have never felt less in need
especially of people and their company

this is my favorite holiday
news years eve is my favorite
and i always want it to be something special
and it almost always is something painful
and this time
it was not
it was not special
and it was not painful

i cleaned my room from 10-11:30
but like really cleaned it
not as i usually do when i make little piles
of things everywhere
things i don’t know where to put them
that i don’t know if and when i will use
those things i threw away
and then i scrubbed
i got sos, brillo pads and rags
a bucket of soapy hot water
and i cleaned
not just the surfaces but the corners
and under and in, i cleaned

and then i got in the shower
for longer then i have in years
i showered and let the water become
sparkling light as it danced it’s way
down my weary body
a body i don’t really recognize as i was bedridden
or panicking or trauma trembling for most of last year
and much of my muscle atrophied

and i remembered a meditation
a woman told me to do three years ago
when she said she was worried
about the amount of other people’s energy
and trauma i was taking on, taking into me
and she told me
i needed to wash it away everyday
that everyday i needed to make a practice
of washing what was not mine away

and she told me
to use the shower water in this way,
to make it light pouring down over me
and i did that for a bit
a few days maybe
and then i forgot
because i get consumed
with other things
that seem more pressing
and i forget
i always forget
to take care of me

and so i did
tonight i did
and then i used my
new seafoam green glove scrubbies
to brush and rub and scour my skin
till every inch of my body
felt new
a bit raw
but new
till there was
no more of 2019
on me

and now i am in bed
it is 11:58
and the pups are all sleeping
and the room is so cold
because i had to open the windows
i saged so much
it was a bit too smoky to sleep
and i have my heated blanket on me
and the heating pads under the puppies
and i am drinking hibiscus tea
sparkling rose
tangerine mineral water
writing stories

beverages and poetry
heat and puppies
clean everything and crisp air
it’s now 11:59
oh and now
a whole new decade
a whole new year
a very different me
a new emily

❤️ emily joy rosen

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