Warning: Declaration of ET_Theme_Builder_Woocommerce_Product_Variable_Placeholder::get_available_variations() should be compatible with WC_Product_Variable::get_available_variations($return = 'array') in /home/customer/www/emilyjoyrosen.com/public_html/wp-content/themes/Divi/includes/builder/frontend-builder/theme-builder/WoocommerceProductVariablePlaceholder.php on line 8
it’s magic to me how when we open our world opens. i’ve been closed for a while now. i’ve been distant and unavailable in a way that concerned even me… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

it’s magic to me
how when we open
our world opens

i’ve been closed for a while now
i’ve been distant and unavailable
in a way that concerned even me

i’ve wondered more than once
if i was ever going to be willing
to open again

what you may not know
is that i’ve made some
pretty distorted decisions
about who i chose to let in
and i got burned badly

those decisions were based on
my immediate emotional needs
and a feeling of unbridled glee
i let overcome me
to the complete disregard
of the very clear warning signs
that this was not a match
and most definitely
not sustainable or healthy

this has been a pattern for me

not only romantically
but with friendships
and even professionally

i get attached quickly
i lock in easily
and i crave closeness

so i have been willing
over and over again
to avoid
obvious inconsistencies
in favor of enjoying
getting lost
moment to moment
in something sparkly
and easy
that fills me
just enough
i forget

i forget
what matters to me
i tell myself
i just want to be happy
this feels good
i am trusting my desires
i am prioritizing pleasure
i am living fully

but what i know
what i sincerely know
deep in my bones
is that none of this matters to me
if there isn’t a foundation true

if there isn’t a clear commitment
to care for each other
even in the breakdowns

if there isn’t impeccable honesty
even at the risk of losing everything

and probably most importantly
if there isn’t a belief
in ultimate personal responsibility

this is the thing i find
most consistently
impacts the quality
of any relationship i am in
and is the thing most missing
from the relationships
where i have felt so hurt
often unexpectedly

because i let myself go to sleep
when i am falling
and i don’t just mean romantically
i fall for friends all the time
i love the electricity of recognition
and laughing in a way
that is filled with knowing

and i have often chosen
to not talk about things
i know matter to me
or ask questions
i want the answers to
for fear they will kill the way
i get to fall
so blissfully
into joy and love
with you and you

i haven’t known how to temper it

for years
i have either had an

no in-between for me
i didn’t even know
that there was a place
that wasn’t so extreme

but i didn’t want to stay
it stopped feeling
protective and reasonable
and started feeling
really isolating and plain lonely

so for the first time in my life
i am learning to open
and enjoy
with pause
a pause to check back in
and remember the foundation
that is so important to me
while allowing myself to experience
times of unbridled glee

this is so very different for me
and it feels rather uncomfortable
there is a lot of stop and go
there are lots of moments i think
what am i doing

it is like…

i find myself heating up
a pot of water steadily
and then just as it is about come to a boil
i pour a bucket of icewater in
requiring the water to heat up
all over again

but what i am noticing
is as unpleasant
and yes, at times painful
the cooling is

it helps me always
get to ground zero
which is the only place
i can open from
the place where i feel myself
without the input of others
the place where i remember
no matter what
i will be okay

because i believe
that now
i do

because i know that
i will never again give
someone so much of my rope
i am inviting them to hang me

because i am pretty sure
what matters most
is how we do loving

all the time i hear people say
“love is all that matters”

well if that is true
then i think we could all do better
at loving true

and not just with sweet words
and sweaty bodies merged

but in every relationship
we choose to enter into
whether it be with a colleague at work
or a new acquaintance we meet
at a local coffee shop

if we all did this
if we all took this on
i really do believe
the world would be at far greater ease

because when a heart
is not held
it hardens

and hard hearts
aren’t the best
at loving

open my friends
open slowly
open carefully
open fully
open tenderly
open however feels best
to you

because as you do
i can promise
the world
will open
to you

❤️ emily joy rosen

get emily's poetry collection (for free)

a beautiful, downloadable, keepsake e-book featuring a selection of emily's best-loved poems

your poetry book is on its way!