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it's way better for me here. fingers dancing across keyboards is how i do intimacy. so i imagine it's quite disorienting to meet me… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

it’s way better
for me
here

fingers
dancing
across keyboards
is how i do intimacy

so i imagine
it’s quite
disorienting
to meet me

because i am
not poetry
i am intense and neurotic
crass and uncomfortable
awkward and avoidant

it’s disorienting
to me
even
so i get why it would be
confusing
to those who
cross paths with me

all this
makes me most grateful
for those who get me here
and who have helped me
feel less ashamed
and soften
into
living
poetry
more

in this moment
i feel most grateful
for you
and you
and you

my phone blew up this week
with love so unexpectedly
i cracked

years ago
i didn’t feel like anyone
knew me
saw me
got me
loved me

and now
i know there are people that do
even with all my prickly pieces
and extreme sensitivity

i sometimes wonder
what i did
to deserve you

and then i think, okay,
so what did i do?
did i actually do anything
that made a difference here?

more than most anything
i love understanding why…
so i got to thinking
and in this case
there were three things
i changed
that i believe
had the greatest impact

so i’ll share them here with you…

i got honest,
brutally so
about my crazy
i stopped masking,
hiding and lying
about how i was feeling, thinking
and what i was wanting

i really deeply got,
that everyone
and i mean everyone
is doing the best they can
based on what they believe
and so i stopped
attacking people
just for being
in a way that confronted me
instead doing my best
to get their world
while being willing
to let go
of them
if need
be

i started focusing
on providing value
i decided i would become
someone i would want
to be friends with
so at the very least
if i landed up friendless
i would at least not mind
being left alone
with me

these three things
have shifted
so much for me

i am for sure
not where i want to be
with any of them
i have a lot more work to do,
but i have made substantial progress
and it has made
such a massive difference
for me
i want to share it
with you
even though
i am still super in process
here

my speculation is
that the more congruent
i get
in these three ways
the better my relationships
and life will be

and i also imagine
it will change me
significantly

i have
already experienced it
in some not so little ways
i am softer
kinder
and more content
being emily

so maybe this helps
you too
much love from me
to you…

❤️emily joy rosen

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