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i’ve burnt a lot of bridges and i have built a lot of castles i used to be perfectly terrified of what people would think of me i used to let others’ preferences shape the decisions that created my reality… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

i’ve burnt a lot of bridges
and i have built a lot of castles
i used to be perfectly terrified
of what people would think of me
i used to let others’ preferences
shape the decisions that created my reality

i was a prisoner
to what others believed about me
but something has changed
i got angry
frankly outraged
and i just don’t care so much anymore
if they do or do not approve of me

i admit
i would like you to love me
i would prefer to be adored
but certainly not at the cost of my soul
i compromised in ways i am not proud of
i have faked pleasantries
while dying on the inside
and i have forced friendships
to meet an objective

it’s not a way i would wish anyone to live
constantly tracking others
and shaping my personality accordingly

i was deeply miserable
for a great deal of my twenties
and just as i started to break free
from the disorders that had consumed me
i found myself in a whole new kind of jail
one filled with posturing and insincere greetings

let’s remember who we were before
before red carpets and all the glamor
before stories of possibility
carefully crafted to play on our insecurities

i hope we never buy from someone
who preaches to our fear
i hope we never become friends with someone
just because we imagine
they can do something for us
i hope we make our choices in life
based on what feels good and right,
not based on what someone told us
we should do

and i hope we remember
there is a part of us
far richer than our rational mind
that is running way more of the show
than we are comfortable giving credit for

last night i had an experience
of an unconscious pattern
becoming conscious
and i realized
how incredibly arrogant
i had become
to think that there isn’t still a bunch of stories
i am not even aware of running me

i was humbled
then freaked
what else do i not know about me?
really
i wonder…

but here is what i do know
i am tired on the inside
and i am sick of settling for relationships
that don’t feel impeccably clean

and i have no interest in hearing the opinions
of those who are in the stands
those who prefer to watch with a critical mind
picking apart what i have efforted to produce

as brene brown said,
“nothing has transformed my life more than realizing
that it’s a waste of time to evaluate my worthiness
by weighing the reaction of the people in the stands.”

when i read this:
deep sigh
relief
and a softening
into knowing
i did the best i knew to do
i will always do the best i can
and while it may not always be good enough
for everyone
it is me i have to be with
each night
as i close my eyes
it is me answering to me

so if it feels like i am different,
let me be clear
i am
if it looks like i am upset
i am
and not at all
i am human
and fluid
i am fatigued
and incredibly alive
i am sorry
and proud

just remember please
there is no hiding
from you
if we think we are getting away with something
i can assure you
it will come back to us
because i have seen it
with my own two eyes
over and over again

we cannot lie to ourselves

so speak like you mean it
care because you get that it’s not all about ourselves
choose your friends carefully
do business that matters
fill your days with understanding
make sweet magic with those you call family
love with abandon

and then
maybe then
we can all sleep deep
knowing we gave it our all
we lived our words
we breathed our ideologies
and we did the very best we knew to do

this is my plan
these are my dreams
this is my heart
and i will never hide it from anyone

❤️ emily joy rosen

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