last night we talked
and i know
this is a worst nightmare
come true
when we come together
to share stories
check timelines
admit our omissions

and i know
this is so rare
it’s unlikely
we women
who share intimacies do

it’s unlikely we would
choose us over you

especially when
most especially when
we believe we are the most special one
the one that makes all the others just
whispers of nothing’s sweet
and bodies slim
opening easily
to words of possibility

after all that is not me
i am different
something safe
a rare safe one
and serious, this is clearly serious
you take me serious
after all you’re making plans
for next year and telling me how surprising
it is for you to meet someone like me
someone just like you
who just happens to value all the same things
all the things i just said i do
oh wow you want those things too
really, you do? and with me too?

and those are just treats, right?
candies the sugar addict
can’t help themselves around
and well come on
is sugar even really a thing
one can be addicted to
maybe it’s just a little something sweet
we all need every once in a while
and who am i to deny someone a little treat

and yes we choose
for sure
you can say that as you rock
your conscience to sleep
you can tell yourself
about all the ways we wanted it
lips wet
eyes bright
legs opening


she and her and i
and her and that one too
did that with you
we wanted
even yearned

i am just not so sure
we knew what we were yearning for
or maybe it’s that we did
maybe we knew
and it’s just that you knew too
you knew what we wanted
didn’t you?

its strange though right
because it seems you wanted
all sorts of different things…
even contradictory things

like how could you want her
and her and her and her
in the ways you told her
i mean unless
you changed your mind that afternoon
i mean that is possible
it’s possible you changed your mind
from morning to noon

oh and yes we know
we know it happened that quickly

and we know that impressions
are always open for interpretation
especially if we assume nothing
and you didn’t actually
specifically say that right?
or did you?
it’s just so strange
how she and her and me
got that impression though
i mean we all must not
have been listening properly
we must have missed something
to be so incredibly confused
to have all thought the same thing

and i am now having to hear
things so heart shattering
before i even had a chance to exhale
before i even had a moment to mourn
before i could even tend to my own
mess of a mind
or heal

and this sucks
this just so sucks

i still can’t believe
what some people
are willing to put people through
to get what they want
to have what they need

i am still reeling
7 months later
i have not yet
slept through a night
i have not yet
had a day go by
where i didn’t panic
not a week go by
where i didn’t find out
something else
so shocking
so upsetting
so painful
it actually

and in case you are wondering
i am writing this
for her
and her
and her
and her and her and her and her
and her and her and her and her
and her and her and her and her
and her and her and her and her
and her and her and her and her

because some people
will never change
because (maybe) they can’t
because defenses run deep
because pathology is a thing
because there isn’t reason to
when one can move anywhere
build groups of new “friends”
i mean believers
yes believers
people like me
who don’t seem to notice
when you are
the victim
in. every. single. story.
people like me
who love easily
give compulsively
and want the thing
you know to say
you will give us
want that nectar sweet
of promises made
while being penetrated
i mean is there anything better really
than dreams come true
in a most secret special rare world
dripping in intimacies
fabricated out of all the things
i said i wanted to you

yeah no
this is for her
and her and her too
the ones who keep calling
from the past
from the present
from today
hopefully not today
yeah hopefully not today
because i am so tired
so chronically sick
so upset with myself
for what i made okay

yeah i am so sorry
it seems like the least
i can do is speak for those
who are still afraid too
for those still being lied too
for those still confused

yeah my mouth is open now
and it’s not gonna close again
till i am done talking
and yes i have a lot to say
and no i am no longer afraid
of the fire it will burn
through my already
ravaged reality

let’s just say
i trust
it will make ashes
of the things
and people
and beliefs
meant to go

❤️ emily joy rosen

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