last year
on this day i had a full house
that had been full for months
and was going to be full a while longer
as i had invited his friends to come
and stay through the holiday season

i made dinner with a best girlfriend
i am not sure is my friend anymore
my dearest couple friends that joined us
now live in europe and its been less easy
to keep in touch then i imagined it would be
my boyfriend’s dogs just had pups
and we where having sweet moments
of such sincere enjoyment with them
and they are all gone now too
he is gone
and i am single
my home is devoid of celebration
and i am alone with my pups
and it feels perfect

like the perfect outcome
of the choices i made

and while this maybe doesn’t sound
like the most festive of ways
to end this christmas day
there is no where else i’d rather be
then here sobering up
with earl gray tea with cream
eating my favorite cheese and crackers
a heating pad on my belly
reviewing the last decade carefully
taking note of all the steps
that got me here

definitely not a place
i saw myself in my late thirties
but then again most of my life
looks nothing like i imagined it would
the highs higher
then i ever could have imagined
and the lows lower
then i knew i could live through

and to be clear
while i do feel sad
more of a sorrow really
this isn’t a low
this was a choice
to be alone
on an evening
when so much of the world
is so very busy celebrating
or having tense interactions with family

yes i wanted to be here alone
it’s extra quiet as i was hoping it would be
and after years of spending
most of my energy tracking
those around me,
trying to figure out what they need
to be happy and pleased with me

the quiet is welcomed
the lack of people to consider
the needs of is needed

and i feel at peace
for this moment
on this evening
i feel an acceptance
of the choices i made
and also so very ready
to do things so very differently

merry christmas
happy hanukkah
all those kinda things…

i am going to get back
to writing and puppy snuggling
just wanted to pop in here
for a minute
and say hi to any of you
who might be scrolling social media
on this christmas evening

maybe even a kindred spirit
wondering some version
of my wonderings…
how did i get here?
is this/this/that what i want?
if yes, how can i make the most of it?
if no, what do i want
and what do i need to do to have it?

i will be spending
the rest of this evening
and 2019 answering…

❤️ emily joy rosen

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