like those who no longer want to lie
to themselves

yes, that. yes, this.

i have been doing
some of the work
i didn’t know was there to do

looking under and around and through
at all the things i didn’t even know to see
(things that have been running me)

it’s been humbling
in the most sincere way
and what i am most present to
is wanting to know
in a way i have never ever wanted to know
i want to know now

and in that knowing
i am seeing that there are ways that
i did want to lie to myself (which i
don’t think is possible really)
but it feels important to admit
i was telling myself almost comforting half truths
in attempts to bypass pain
and it cost me

i can be arrogant and extremely stubborn
even with myself, even in the stories i tell myself
and i think i thought
i could skip a step or two
dodge a feeling or three

i was willing to kinda look,
i was willing to be real almost
but still have been deflecting,
still have been avoiding
and hiding

i still hide quite a bit
and i could give you all the reasons
i do (and valid ones at that)

i could explain myself endlessly
in a way that could even having you agreeing
with the ways i have felt i “needed”
to be out of integrity
the very real safety issues
and the trauma that lives in me

(you know, i didn’t want to admit i had trauma
till this year (because i didn’t want anyone to think
i was saying i was a victim to anything)
i confused acknowledging what is true
with saying “poor me”
and there is nothing i want less
than pity)

but what i am most present to (now)
the truth i am coming to
is i want something different
for me (and you)

my life has been filled with
madness and dreams
bewilderment and folly
joy and wonder
laughter and loving
oh and lying

yes, lying
i would like less of that for me
yes, more honesty
less lying
that is what i am wanting
that is what i am needing
that is what i am ready for
finally

❤️ emily joy rosen

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