my plate is very full these days, in some really new and breathtaking ways. my life is changing, my world (as i knew it) dissolving (slowly) and i think i am (actually) okay. in moments happy (truly) and quite pleased (definitely appreciative). i’m even letting myself get excited recently. i took some pretty hard falls this year. most everything i thought would happen for me, didn’t. and i could not be further from where i imagined i would be (which normally i would consider a failure, a waste) but i had some other rather cool things happen (instead) that have changed me (hopefully for the better). i like who i am more (even though i don’t like everything i have seen in myself), i am loving harder (even though my life has fewer people i consider dear), and i find my strength (for the first time maybe ever) in me, in this heart of mine. i had to learn to comfort myself this year. i had to learn to be with emily. and while i am far from where i want to be, i have finally begun the journey i have been so avoiding (unconsciously).
i embarrass easily, and that (my pride) has gotten in my way and also held me to a standard i have no regrets about. it’s just that now, now my pride has me unable to see clearly. and so i am slowing down in the spaces in between and finding comfort in those moments i spend with me (just me) in a way that has me understanding quite practically what it means to be empowered.
i have a long way to go (i know). i used to think i could die if the one i loved broke up with me, (but now i know i will just hurt a lot). i used to think no one would like me if i didn’t do things for them (but now i know that is only true of some people, and those are not real friends, and not the people for me). i used to think my ability to achieve defined me (but now i know it’s who i am that matters more to me). i used to think this body was a nuisance, this thing i had to live in and somehow make into pretty (but now i feel pleasure just being in my body, completely unrelated to how it looks or what it does for me).
life is clearer. it isn’t easier, it isn’t more fun and it’s definitely far from glamorous, but i am gaining new facilities, skills and competencies (slowly) and panicking less (and less). my system is finding moments of pure relaxation and ecstatic glee (but if i am most honest they are still few and far between). and i keep wondering how much more humble pie i am going to have to eat, like when am i going to get back to just being me, passionately devoted, making things happen energetically and enthusiastically, sure frantic and freaking occasionally but being on a trajectory that makes sense to me. but here is the thing i have come to recently: i don’t think there is a going back (now). i think i might be wanting to go back to something that isn’t available anymore. and that, that is what makes this time most scary. i don’t think i can return (revert) and even as i write this i am getting clearer and clearer that i don’t think i want to (eek!).
and sheesh i just don’t know what that means, which for a girl (like me) who hates the unknown is just plain torturing. i really wanted everything to be clear and clean, loving and inspiring by now and it’s not what is happening. what i want (what i thought i wanted) definitely isn’t what is happening. and at this point it’s actually becoming funny, at this point the only thing that seems reasonable to do is enjoy the insanity, find moments that matter, appreciate the beauty, keep trying to make better and be better and challenge myself always to be less challenging…
❤️ emily joy rosen