on my wedding day, i did not eat
not drop of solid food touched my lips
it wasn’t only because i wanted to look thin
it was also because at that point, my digestive system was so destroyed by my eating disorder that any solid foods required hours to recover from
i had my hair done at the salon that day
for me, it was big to spend money in this way. i didn’t think myself deserving of such a frivolous thing
the woman asked me to come in beforehand for a practice run, but i couldn’t justify the cost
i ended up hating my hairdo and remember crying and combing it out in the parking lot when my sister came to pick me up
i did my own makeup and i bought my dress the week before at the mall
i hated spending the money
i thought it was because i was being practical
but mostly i think it was because some part of me knew i was not ready
i wanted to wait until i was ok
i wanted to get married when i could eat my own wedding cake
it may seem silly to you, but at this point i had not eaten cake in more than 6 years without purging
and i really wanted to eat that cake with him, in celebration
i remember an hour before the ceremony thinking i was going to faint
i assumed it was because i had not had any food
so i sucked down a few packets of dry hot cocoa in the bathroom
the harshness of the cocoa hitting the back of my throat brought tears to my eyes
and i told myself this has got to stop, this had to be the start of a new way
my new life, our new life
so i went all in, i felt my heart nearly burst that day
so full of love and hope
my wedding day was going to be the freshest of new starts
i thought getting married would change me
and it did
but not in the ways that i expected
years later, i rarely think of him
time has been my best medicine
but i got married in a december long ago, so when this time of year comes around and when reflection is most certainly in order, i tend to remember more
mostly about how far i have come
i faced this
i felt it
i survived
i thrived
and while i may or may not get married again someday,
i promise you that if i do,
i will eat the cake

❤️ emily joy rosen

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