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sitting in the psychiatrist’s office quivering, i couldn’t get my hands to stop trembling my right shoulder to stop twitching my legs bouncing, always bouncing up and down and up and down, faster and faster as i tried to get the words out stuttering now.. | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

sitting in the psychiatrist’s office
quivering, i couldn’t get my hands to stop trembling
my right shoulder to stop twitching
my legs bouncing, always bouncing
up and down and up and down, faster and faster
as i tried to get the words out
stuttering now..
something isn’t right i said
something is very not right
with me

“yes clearly,” he said
so he asked me some questions
and wrote me a script
and i went to the pharmacy
and took my first pill
that afternoon

he said it would take weeks for me to feel it
but that afternoon i felt a rush of something
that had me lock myself in my room
as everything became
a different kind of too much

what have i done
what have i done
what have i done to me

get this out of me
how do i get this out of me

i spent my non jittery hours googling
only to arrive at the conclusion
that one afternoon wasn’t going to tell me anything
and different was better
than the static,
shaking, scary of before
this sucked but different seemed better
at this point, anything seemed better

so i stayed on
i kept taking my pills
shamefully
i was just so embarrassed
that i was drugging myself
i am someone who does my work
i used to be someone who would do the things
naturally that would help
but i had waited too long
i was so far gone
that even just making sure to take a pill
seemed hard
but i had 60 and i am not one to waste money
so secretly i kept swallowing

and slowly the spikes of panic
became echos
and the days of wall staring
became motion
as sensation dulled
and sense started to be made
of the feelings i felt
that i’d thought was just me
losing it finally

yes as the anxiety softened
and my mind
came at least partially back online
became more mine
i started to see things
more clearly
i started to understand more
what had me on such a tilt
what had me unraveling

and for sure
this isn’t the story i wanted to tell
for sure i am distressed
by how bad
i let it get
how far gone
i had to be to leave
how extreme
the evidence had to be
for me to believe
it wasn’t just me
and my messed up twenties
disturbing teens
and developmental traumatic happenings

i mean after all
i am damaged goods clearly
why else would i be freaking
when seemingly i was yet again
misinterpreting
jumping to conclusions
projecting and assuming
as was pointed out to me
as was sometimes true

i did everything
i thought i’d never do
in this relationship
everything i had promised myself
never to do
everything

everything on my list of
no not ever
not ever again
not me no
i did
every
single
one

most of which i had at some point
judged others for doing

and i did them all

i used to wonder if the point of all this was
for me to understand others better
to experience the things i judged
so i could be humbled
into deeper compassion

i have wondered if i was just so arrogant
i had to eat this much humble pie
to get that i was not who i thought i was
and my judgements where uneducated
and there is much work (inner and outer)
i really needed to do

and for sure i think that is part of it

after all that is what i do

i take the things i have experienced
even the most excruciating
i learn from them
and share my learnings

and
there is more here
there is more here
there is more here
that had me medicating
that had me willing to do
anything
to just
stop
the
feeling….

more to share
that has helped me
through and maybe
will help you too

after all
we all have our crazy
some for sure more extreme
but when we get to know it
know ourselves here
i promise
it begins to make sense
it begins to make sense
why it is
we do
the things we do
with the people we choose
and once sense is made
and patterns are seen
agency returns
and we don’t
have to keep
repeating
patterns of pain

but first i am pretty sure
we have to get severely honest
rigorously self-reflective
unwaveringly clear
about our own ugly

and i have some serious ugly
that had me give
myself away

and that is exactly what i did
i gave myself
away

❤️ emily joy rosen

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