so since we can never
really truly for sure know someone’s inner world
and we can never truly really know someone’s intent
or where they are coming from

attempting to make sense of that
to know if you should leave a relationship
that seems similar to what i have been describing
might take you a lifetime at least

and i know for me
with my compulsive need to know
someone obsessed with understanding
who has always valued intent over impact
it was really very hard for me
to imagine leaving
without knowing what was true
without being as certain as i could be
of the intent of the behaviors and actions
that were so impacting me

i think part of me thought
if i could know the intent was good
then the impact would be far less
and i do tend to believe people
are doing the best they can
based on their current belief systems
but i’d also never been so close
to someone who i now know
lied so very blatantly
and wow it is hard to understand anything
when being fed endless untruths

so all my curiosity ended up
getting the best of me
and i stayed in something
while i was trying to understand it
for far to long
and it took a very real toll
on my nervous system
it really did mess up my body
and scramble my mind

and if i had just for a minute
taken my attention off
trying to understand him
and what was happening
when things would go so sideways so quickly
maybe i would have noticed
i was breaking, i was breaking down

the thing about minds
is they can often persist on
while everything else is breaking down
and for those like me
who are more interested in thinking
our way to a knowing
it can take way more than a minute
for us to notice
that everything else
is so very not okay
and for me
it took me almost losing
my mind
to finally say
enough
whatever this is
whoever he is
whoever i am with him
whatever else i could do better
or be better at
or fix or solve
or learn to love more through
it doesn’t matter
right now
because
i’m losing it
i’m losing everything

and so what i want to share here
is a list of things
that you might find helpful
to reflect on
if anything i am sharing
resonates with you
if you are reading my words
and thinking whoa
it feels like she is in my relationship with me
or wow does this sound similar

we could spend years
dissecting the behaviors of our partners
getting their worlds
how our traumas dance together
and the ways our triggers cloud our vision
making us all a little loony when activated

and
and if you are experiencing
these things
regardless of who the other person
may or may not be
or what they may or may not be doing
or intending to do

if you are experiencing these things
i highly suggest getting support
because if you go too far
in this state
if you stay too long
in this place
you could do more damage
than you might realize
damage that will linger
in a body that remembers
because that is what bodies do
they remember

yes i recommend asking yourself
are you…

feeling all kinds of confused

crying and or anxious all the time
for reasons you are having a hard time tracking
like you aren’t even sure why you feel so anxious
nothing is really happening right?

having trouble focusing
on even the things
that used to be your favorite things

feeling unwell, sick or weak, or chronically depleted
experiencing “random” physical symptoms
that seemed to start soon after you started dating

forgetting, at least you think so,
i mean it seems you forgot
or misremembered, must be misremembering
yes it seems all of a sudden
you have memory issues too

noticing your self esteem is dwindling
find yourself obsessing about your apparent flaws
comparing yourself more and more to the
people he/she speaks so highly of to you
as you change how you dress, look and speak
to be more what they seem to say they like

pulling back from your friendships
distancing yourself from those you used to be close with
keeping secrets from those
you used to share your heart with

wondering if you are losing it, feeling crazy
and disoriented about what is real

finding yourself arranging your life
around what they might need
the time they might have
so not wanting to schedule anything
in case that might be a moment
for something nice to happen,
yes maybe something nice…

noticing your mind wandering
to what might they be doing, where are they now
what might they be thinking or needing
or did they seem upset this morning
what was that glance
it seemed annoyed, did i do something
i must have done something, what did i do
what do i need to do to make it better…
i need to make it better immediately

starting to feel like so much about you
is not okay, not good
so obviously off or wrong
things you didn’t even see before
and wow you have so much to work on
and as you do it seems like
there is just more and more
you need to work on
like omg there are so many issues you have
you didn’t know you had,
it seems like you for sure need
more and more therapy
or at least to just change
all these things about you

yeah these things
if you are experiencing a majority of them
i highly suggest
seeking support
because when you do
you might be surprised what you see
you might be surprised how you feel
i know i was
i know i have been
and continue to be

disorienting to say the least
disturbing for sure
but crazy making?
nope
it’s been seven months now
and i can say
for sure
while i may have been
acting bonkers
i am not
i am not nuts
every part of my being
was freaking out
shrieking eventually
something isn’t okay
and it’s you
you are not
okay

and you
must do
something
different
immediately

and for me
that something
different
was to leave

yes leave
with what
was left
of me

❤️ emily joy rosen

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