some hearts
break easier
i think
some crack
some crumble
some shatter
some harden
and the world
keeps going
and you find yourself
in the grocery store
sobbing
in aisle three
because memories
come easily
when you are living
in what used to be
“are you running away?”
he said
the half smile and averted eyes
telling me his question
was missing the sincerity
that warranted an honest answer
but i committed years ago
to no longer let others’ not caring
have me live with any less feeling
“not away”
i said
“but the impulse is there
i suppose that’s why
i stayed so long in mexico
i needed to remember
who i was a long time ago”
he let his eyes meet mine
“i needed to remember
who i was a long time ago”
he said
echoing my words
back to me
so slowly
it sounded new to me
the whites of his eyes
were pink
the corners red
i found myself wanting to ask
if he had been been crying
but there was no need
as he turned away
i saw a tear slide down
his weathered cheek
some journeys
take us far away
and some
deep inside
this one
did both
it’s intense to be pulled and pushed
simultaneously
it felt like strength training
for the soul
and i got worked
it was uniquely disturbing
to see
all the rigidity in me
i had imagined myself
to have more fluidity
after all i couldn’t stop crying
but i think the tears
were just me
mourning
how hardened
i found myself to be
there was much
that touched my heart
these last few weeks
in mexico
but the pain i experienced
quite literally
was so disarming
frankly alarming
it required me
to get present and curious
diligently
it used to be that joy
only brought me more joy
but much to my dismay
the more sweetness
i experienced
the more pain i felt
and the only way i know
how to describe it is
that it’s just like
when your leg falls asleep
and you know that in order
to wake it up
it’s going to hurt way more
than if you leave it numb
the thawing out process
that feels like pins and needles
is unavoidable
and yet more than once
i have done my best to delay the pain
not moving till necessary to walk again
i think hearts might be the same
i think sometimes the healing
might actually hurt
but if we are not willing
to go through the pain
then we risk
our hearts
never waking up
again
once we have been hurt
we tend to be
more on guard
more cautious
more quick to bolt
which one could argue
is a good thing
dare i say it may be healthy
or at the very least it’s reasonable
for self-preservation
but the risk i see
is that if we are trying to chase
only the yummy feelings
and are using ease
as the measure of healing
then we might miss
what we actually need
and we might find ourselves
living just outside
of true connection
and intimacy
because we decided
that discomfort
isn’t part of opening
to loving
again
but i am pretty certain
that isn’t actually true
i am almost certain
it’s just fear justifying
itself intellectually
and that sometimes
the ache
is just
what happens
before we
wake
in love
again
❤️emily joy rosen
