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some relationship are not forever ones and some are forever ones but they just change form. i have been going through a form change. i know that it isn’t over it’s just changing and yes, knowing that is comforting, but it doesn’t necessarily make it easy… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

some relationships
are not forever ones
and some are forever ones
but they just change form

i have been going through
a form change

i know that it isn’t over
it’s just changing
and yes, knowing that
is comforting,
but it doesn’t necessarily make it easy
because sometimes
transformation unfolds effortlessly
and sometimes
it feels like
you are being raked
over smoldering coals

but pain is not suffering
with me anymore
i do not let myself live in suffering
i feel the pain,
i breathe into it
so deep
i submerge my heart
in pressure
to come out gasping
loving
laughing still

because i know
this is the right thing to do
i know that sometimes what is best
is to go through
what you don’t want to
to live the life
you want to

and what breaks
my heart most
is that i see too many people living
like they have all the time
in the world
and they don’t

you don’t
so i am going to plead
with you,
just do it

just leave
the job you hate

leave the relationship
that you know you don’t want to be in

walk away from people
who abuse you

get your fingers
out of your throat

take that blade
off your skin

stop looking in the mirror
with so much hate

tell the one you haven’t told,
how much you love them

do that thing you know you want to do
you know,
the one you dream about daily

and before you hurl your excuses
and well articulated reasonings at me…

i get it

we have responsibilities
we have people who depend on us
and taking right action
might feel impossible

but what is way more impossible
at least for your soul
is living the very few precious years
you get here on this planet
in a way that is not true
for you
to you

so do this responsibly
start planning your exit strategy
and be impeccably honest
with those around you
do not sugar coat it
do not lie
do not make up things to save feelings
because the only way
you can ever help yourself
and others break free
is by being honest
about your journey

and then maybe they will realize
they aren’t happy either
and maybe they will get to live their life fully
because they take your lead
or
because really
the nicest thing you can do
is leave
if you aren’t really there
anyways

it’s such twisted thinking
to believe
we are helping anyone
by lying to them,
or by living a lie

but we often do…
because it can get messy
before it gets better
and culturally
we don’t like messy

and you could say to me
but if people knew
what i really think,
what i really feel,
everything would be ruined

and i say…

do you think the person
who looks at you lovingly every morning
would want to know that your heart
closed to them a long time ago?

do you think your boss
would want to know that you despise them,
you’re bored out of your mind
and that you spend your time on the clock
talking smack in your interoffice chat rooms
hoping everything goes up in flames?

do you think your “friend”
who asked you to be in her wedding
would want to know that you
cannot stand her?

and again you might say, no,
ignorance is bliss

and i say no,
no way
it doesn’t work that way

we feel what is unspoken
and if we don’t know how to name it
if we don’t understand it
we start to doubt ourselves
and we feel crazy

so we find ways to self regulate
and self medicate

we find ways to make sense
of what doesn’t make sense at all

because we know in our hearts
we feel in our body
incongruency

the number of people i meet
who tell me they stayed in a situation
or a relationship
well after they knew
the love was gone
is stunning

and it’s not weeks,
it’s years

and i get it
i have been there,
i have stayed for a million reasons
i rationalized practically

and to be clear
i am not for leaving
and breaking up
willy-nilly
you have the tough conversions
you do the work
you talk

because if you are not talking
if you are not sharing what is true
i can assure you
you are not only hurting you
but those around you
and yes
even your children

i know because i spent many years
working with kids
and you know what they would tell me

they would tell me that they know,
they know you’re faking it

do you think your kids will truly benefit
from the stability of your relationship
devoid of love?
or the emptiness they see in you
from working a job you hate?

it’s just not how it works

your body is here
but you?

you’re so far out the door
you’re numb to the fact
that you are so out
of integrity

this was me
i was drinking
my own kool-aid
so much of it
i didn’t know
i was drunk anymore

and things kept blowing up around me
and i kept trying to micromanage
it all more and more

because i was so terrified
of everything falling apart
all the time
i kept making it worse
and worse and worse

and i couldn’t see why nothing was working
because i was certain
i was pretending perfectly,
but the reality was
i was acting perfectly crazy

i was exhausted and scared
i was confused
and in way over my head
and i had created an illusion so thick
i couldn’t ask for help
because everything was built on
who i was pretending to be

so i went under
instead of through
and i would love for you
to go through

because under takes more effort
as you have to climb back up

and while through
may feel scarier
it’s the fastest, cleanest way
to get
where you want
to go

it demands you be honest
direct and sincere
and while that may seem
excruciating

so is living this one life
you get
in a way
that doesn’t feel
true
for you

❤️ emily joy rosen

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