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sometimes it stings more than i care to let you know. and i hide in strangers pretending oh that, that was nothing, knowing full well i am lying, again, as i used to. because loving someone who doesn’t love you is just undeniably grueling… | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

sometimes it stings
more than
i care
to let you know

and i hide in strangers
pretending
oh that,
that was nothing
knowing full well
i am lying
again
as i used to
because loving someone
who doesn’t love you
is just undeniably
grueling

i was walking quickly now
and i looked back to see
if he would look up at me

i wanted desperately
to see him
at least waving

but he was turned,
his back to me

and i felt
the dismissal
in my body
it was like someone
had knocked the air
out of me

and i felt myself
grasping
for dignity
keep walking emily,
i said silently
keep walking

and as i walked
i remembered

the time
i drove 4 hrs
in a blizzard
to his music show
just to see
if he would look
at me

the time
i made my sister
wait in the car for 3 hours
as i scanned the party frantically
to see
if he was cheating
on me

the time
i sat on my kitchen floor
till 4:30 am
hoping he would come home
as he had promised
me

the month
i checked my email
every 10 minutes
refreshing compulsively
hoping
he would reach back out to me
and tell me this wasn’t real
he wasn’t leaving
me

the year
i couldn’t let anyone touch me
my heart
so shattered
even the softest touch
felt like a dagger
reminding me
that he didn’t want
me

and as i walked
i felt them all again
all the moments
i had been told
no
no thank you
not you
i don’t want
you

i felt
the humiliation
the burn
and all the hurt

and then i felt
my heart
beating fast
beating strong
and tears began to stream
down my face
as
i remembered
all the love before those moments

arms sweet
eyes sparkling
hands trembling
lips meeting
hearts opening

sometimes i wonder
if i would exchange it all
for less hurt
for less memories
that seem to haunt me
in moments where
someone gets in
and presses against
my tenderness

but i know
just below that question
that i
would not
ever

that i will always be one
to throw caution
to the wind

i will always be one
to trust love
to do its work on me

i will always be one
to chase that whisper
of possibility
till i am in it
feeling everything
because that is how i know
if something is right for me
it is always a feeling
that tells me
and if something
is no longer good for me
it is always a feeling
that tells me
that too

so again
i feel his dismissal
in my body
as i walk away
this time
back turned
head held high

and as i reach the bend in the road
where once
i round the corner
i know
he will no longer
be visible to me
i turn one last time
this time
not desperate
not needy
not wanting
anything

i turn to wish
him well
i turn to remember
the joy of our first encounter
i turn to say
goodbye

so this time
and for all time
i can
move on
peacefully
with all
of me

❤️ emily joy rosen

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