you know
it’s over
and you
keep going

you keep pretending
that the sinking feeling
in your belly
is just poor digestion
but mostly
you know
it’s truth
eating away
at you
from the inside
begging for attention
at the very core of you
till you remember
your body speaks
to you

it’s speaking
to me
and i don’t want
to listen
i want
to ignore reality
and make
unrealistic plans
in my diary

this one hurts
i think
standing in
the airplane bathroom
looking at my wrinkles
in the dim yellow lighting

i don’t know
when they came
i am not so sure
i can remember
when i started getting
creases that stay,
i think
as i splash my face
with lukewarm
airline water

i was feeling ill
and it wasn’t just
the altitude
it was integrity
laughing at me

i am off
i know
but this time
there is more to lose
time feels most precious lately
and i am scared
this is more fear
than anything

how do you know
how do we know
when what we are feeling
is a lack of congruence
or fear
in this case
of intimacy

this is something
i wrestle with
it’s a place i find myself
often confused
and questioning
with clarity

we hit turbulence
as soon as i was seated
and i felt actual terror
this time
as they told us
to buckle up
and stay seated

i felt the plane surging
against the wind
and felt into
the possibility
that the choices
i have been making
are not right for me
if this is fear
then what i was feeling before
was definitely
lack of congruence

and i am faced
with the knowing
that i have to do
so excruciating
i have to admit
the places
i am hiding
to his face
and as they say
“let the chips fall
where they may”

i don’t want to
i think
closing my eyes
holding my now cramping belly
i don’t want to admit
i have been out of integrity

i don’t trust
this will end well
not for me
another bloody
love story

but as i think
that maybe it’s better
left alone
that maybe i can get away
with a little side stepping
nausea sweeps up my body
rising in my throat
so real
i cannot deny
my body is speaking
actually screaming

okay emily
i say
i talk to myself all the time
especially when i am
coaching myself
to do things
i don’t want to do
okay emily
it’s time
it’s time to get
fiercely honest
about how
it isn’t working
for me

it isn’t worth
my body
my throat

so even
as my heart
is high
i know
i know
i will choose
over flying

because what goes up
must come down

and i don’t want to
find myself
looking in the mirror
years from now
with more wrinkles
and think
wow time flies
and i should have listened
while there was still time
for something different
something that felt
more me

i didn’t always
have much regard
for integrity
as something
that was necessary
i would choose
convenient truths
messy honesty

dancing just close enough
to shared reality
most people
my subtle dishonesty
and i found solace
in never being
not truly

but that doesn’t cut it
for me
it really doesn’t work
for me
to fake intimacy
with almost truths
and mimicked sincerity

i used to think
love made a liar
out of me
after all
there was nothing
i wanted more
and i was willing
to do most anything
to make someone
love some
fanciful version
of me

but not lately
no thank you
and not just
my body
will not let me
but rather
i cannot face me
when i am creating
from lies
i used
to like
to call

and so
as they say
we shall let
the chips fall
where they

❤️ emily joy rosen

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