the last time
i saw my husband
i was driving him
to the train station
just 30 minutes from our home

hurried so as not to be late for work
i remember
the feeling in my chest,
as if my heart was being crushed
quite literally
the agony so real

the silence
as we sped
down the winding back roads
was deafening
my mind racing,
scrambling to find words
something to cut through
the inevitable

i knew something was different
i knew something was wrong

but my denial was so thick
i couldn’t name
what my heart knew

he was already gone

minutes of silence passed
i wondered…
what i should do?
what to say?
how to say it?

should i tell him
i needed him
to stay?

the tears began to build
and i blinked them away,
in each and every moment
flooded with memories
of so many yesterdays

this was the road i fell in love on
i remember the moment
we were driving
in the other direction that time,
driving home

i still remember it
like it was just yesterday

the moment
my heart cracked open
and i let him in
all the way

the moment
i decided
he was the person for me

we were getting closer
to the train station now
i wanted to say something
i needed to say something

could i beg him to stay?
i have never been one to beg
but i had lost
any semblance of dignity
months ago

i wanted to remind him
this was me,
he had married me
marrying is a forever thing

i wanted to ask
are you leaving me?

but instead
i asked…

do you trust yourself?

“what did you say?”
he snapped
his annoyance
in every syllable

but i wasn’t willing
to not know
so i asked again

“do you trust yourself?”

“oh yes, yes absolutely i do”
he said
without hesitating

i was shocked by his certainty
i felt myself shrink in his knowing

there was a long pause
he was staring out the window
away from me

he said

“do you?”

i felt my body go cold
i didn’t know
i didn’t even know
who he was asking

for years after he left
i wrestled with this question
did i trust myself?
i felt so humiliated
people would say to me often,
“well, sorry,
but i knew it wasn’t going to last”

i remember the breath
leaving my body
each time i heard those words
and the unspoken
growing louder each time
how did they know
how did i not know

“how did i not know”
became my mantra
for years
and with that,
less and less knowing
and less and less trust
until i completely stopped
trusting myself

the last 9 years
have been a slow crawl
back to trust
a journey home
of sorts

i have doubted myself
many a time along the way

but last night
something so sweet happened
as i was falling asleep

peace found me
and i entered into it
it was a quiet place,
filled with light

and for the first time
in a long time
i thought
to myself
i do
i do trust

❤️ emily joy rosen

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