the old me
would hate the new me
and sometimes
when i think about this
i cringe

because i don’t want to abandon
my former self
and yet i know i have to honor
the transformational process
and acknowledge
i’ve changed

i am literally no longer
who i used to be
and if i tried to act in the ways i used to
it feels disingenuous
and painful
like trying to make a relationship
you know is over work
because of how it used to be

but my patterns are deep
my ways of coping in the world
are finely tuned and instinctive
and so i have to catch myself
acting as if i am who i used to be
and tell myself repeatedly
to stop please

it feels like a loss
i didn’t know i was grieving
till this weekend

sunday
i was at a party
a big party
with bottle service,
beautiful people
and fame everywhere

it’s the kind of party
the old me would have judged harshly
while wishing desperately to be invited to

i went into overwhelm quickly
and felt myself getting queasy

but something new happened
i saw myself go into overwhelm
because i was already zoomed out
and i realized swiftly i had a choice

a choice to stay and engage
or leave

leaving has always been
the harder choice for me
i would rather someone
make that decision for me
and so i stay almost always
well past what i know is good for me

so i sat with it
and felt the dissonance between
who i am
and how i am moving through the world

i sat on the balcony
overlooking the party
and felt my fear

my fear of missing out
my fear of not being liked
my fear of not being a fun person
my fear of wearing a bathing-suit publicly
my fear of people talking to me
and not knowing what to say
or of it being tedious
and not having a clear exit strategy

my fear of not knowing
how
or where
i want to be anymore

for as long as i can remember
i have had an obsession
with finding my home
finding where i belong
finding my people
my tribe
my community

this has taken me across
the country and overseas
many a time
all with the hope
that some day
i would get off a plane
walk into a room
sit in circle
fall into someone’s arms
and just know,
know without question
i am home

but this has never happened for me
and i have judged myself so harshly
for not feeling like i belong
anywhere

i have sat consumed with envy
as i watch people connect so deeply
and i have wondered often
what is wrong with me

but this weekend
as i left the party early

i thought to myself…

this is the most at home
i have ever felt in my own body

this is the most connected
i have ever felt to my dearest friends

this is the most supported
i have ever felt by my amazing team

this is the most comfortable
i have ever been being alone

this is the most joy
i have ever felt just being

and i can see
how for the first time
i think ever
i am not seeking
because i feel empty

i am not looking outside of myself
needing something
or someone
to fix anything

i feel clearly unclear
i feel grace just under the fear

and i remember
what it was like
to be the girl
i used to be

and i remember
how much
i wished for her

and i realize
i am exactly
who
she would want
me
to be

❤️ emily joy rosen

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