the other day
i was at dinner
with the boys
and one of them said
“why with these spiritual chicks
does it it always have to be
that we are so afraid of intimacy
when we run from them?
what if the truth is
we just didn’t want them?”

the other man grinned
a knowing smile
nothing cruel
just a recognition
that i felt so clearly
excluded from

you see
i am the enemy

you see
i am the one who
might say
he was afraid of intimacy
when he left me

but i am also willing to admit
it is not always a fear of intimacy
rather maybe it was fear
of being stuck with me
and my special flavor of crazy
maybe it was that he really truly
just didn’t want to be with me
for a range of totally legitimate reasons
that had nothing to do
with him not wanting to be close

we can be quick to name people crazy
with our free diagnosing
when we feel rejected
or hurt

it can be easier to make
the person who left us
wrong or off
messed up
or in need
of professional help
rather than own
that someone
just really didn’t want us
not as we are
not as we want to be
even if they once said they did
even if they once said forever
even if they once made promises
about how it was going to be

and wow
can that be painful
rejection stings
and no matter what someone says
about how it opens the door
for a person who truly wants you
most of us find it hard
to be faced with the fact
that someone who once
thought the world of you
doesn’t mind not seeing you
not being with you
(ever again)

which is not to say
that it is always a simple
not wanting
there are many times
i think we run
from the very thing we need
there are many times that
a fear of intimacy
a fear of abandonment
a fear of vulnerability
can be what drives us to leave
when it is actually
what we most want
when it is actually
what would help us breathe

i know it
because it was true for me
with every guy i dated
from 18 – 28
i was terrified of being too close
of loving too much
of caring so much more
being intimate, truly
and then being left
being heartbroken
and exposed

so it wasn’t
that i just didn’t want him
or him
not at all
i walked away from someone
i loved most of all
because i just didn’t think
i could bear being intimate with him
knowing he could leave
it was a fear of deep connection here
not that i didn’t want him
i was (and still often am)
afraid of intimacy

and i am working through it
because i no longer
want that coloring
my decision making

i am no longer willing
to let what i don’t want
get more air time
than what i do want

sometimes it is the people
who scare us the most
who are the best for us
and sometimes
they are the worst for us

sometimes the urge to bolt
has us dodging and deflecting
yet again
always running
never facing
what is most true

and sometimes the urge to run
is exquisite self preservation
that should be heeded immediately
because some damage
is way harder to undo
because some hurts
cut deeper
and bleed longer

but also know
that if we are not careful
some fears
can run the show
for a lifetime
keeping you prisoner
in your own world
and you might be confusing
the healthy fear
of being at your edge
and ready to grow
with a survival fear

so the work
here my friends
is to first figure out
which it is
and then take heed
and act accordingly

in some ways
i think everything
is just teaching us
how to have
a better relationship
with self

because from that place
we are more whole
and when we are whole
we tend to make cleaner
and clearer decisions
from which
goodness flows naturally

that is
i think
is teaching

❤️emily joy rosen

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