this is such a hard one for me. i tend to be super self berating…
if i am not careful my internal dialogue can easily become a list of all my failings, especially when it comes to things others seemed to see easily that i didn’t see at all. especially when things seemed so clear to everyone but me.
i think a part of me thinks that if i am super hard on myself i will not make the same mistakes again… that somehow the awareness produced by devastation will not be enough, the humiliation of twisted confused choices made from a place of such needy neediness not enough, i must thrash my psyche with repeated reproach to assure i do not do this thing ever again… i do not feel this way ever again, please.
(and trust me, the irony is not lost on me, the irony of doing to myself more explicitly the things i didn’t see being done so perfectly persistently to me… it’s hard to see when criticism has already been imprinted as loving and a thing i am so habituated to it doesn’t even register when it is happening… it’s often only in the cringes of others that i can find the part of me that would prefer more kindness…)
so yes i can be most unkind to myself, in attempts to teach myself a lesson i want to make sure i don’t forget… seems extra wacky when i write it out…
it’s basically like saying… “i don’t want this to happen again, i don’t want to feel this way again so i am going to make myself feel bad about it so i don’t feel bad about it again”
ummm… not cute, definitely not smart. and i know, for sure i know that kindness and compassion tend to feel better… it just seems easier to have it with others than for me. i get so disappointed with myself so easily. the standards are high and my pride and over-education get in the way sometimes.
and well i miss things… a lot of things. and most recently i missed a few things that really messed me up, that i am now dealing with, and well, the thing people around me keep saying is some version of “i told you so” which i don’t mind, they did. i just mind, i just really do mind that i didn’t see, that i couldn’t see what was right in front of me.
i am stopping, slowly i have been stopping the harsh voice when she comes in to scold me so relentlessly. slowly she has gotten quieter and and i have gotten softer and as i do, more understanding comes in, and as that comes, more tenderness, more sadness and yes even forgiveness.
yes i am beginning to forgive myself… in moments i am forgiven, yes i forgive (me)…
❤️ emily joy rosen