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when i was a little girl i never wanted to be put down, just ask my mom. i know she was quite surprised by just how needy i was. it seems i have always doubted people’s love for me in the in-between. i think this is why i like speed and intensity because it leaves little room for questioning and when i can question my mind can torture me … | Secret Keepers by Emily Joy Rosen

when i was a little girl
i never wanted to be put down
just ask my mom
i know she was quite surprised
by just how needy i was

it seems…
i have always doubted
people’s love for me
in the in-between

i think this is why i like speed
and intensity
because it leaves little room
for questioning
and when i can question
my mind can torture me

i suppose this is why
i have always disliked dating
or the building of a new relationship

so much in between
so many spaces to fill
with uncertainty

i used to think
that someday
i would be able to rid myself
of this anxiety
that i would become
calm and grounded
slow and steady
confident
and never needy

but i am at 34
and nothing could be further
from my reality

i ask a lot
here
of the people
i choose to relate with

but this is what’s really interesting…
as i have gotten clearer
about what is important to me
i have been able to express what i want
instead of disappearing
which is what i used to do
i used to disappear on people
and not in the way you might think
i would respond when they reached out
i would act like it was so okay
but on the inside
i knew
i had already shut them out

because i couldn’t deal with their
lack of consistency

i couldn’t deal
with the spaces in-between

now for some,
i know
this is simply suffocating
for some
my way of relating
feels annoying
and just plain demanding

and i get it,
and
i am okay with that
because this is something
i am clear is key for me
and as a result of that clarity
i have a lot of dear friends
who find this way of connecting
actually comforting
and freeing
just like me

i want to build things in my life
i want to make things
i want to have time for infinite creativity
and i don’t want to spend my time
wondering if you are going to respond
to me
or if you even
like me

some might say this kills the mystery
but that way of thinking
is of no interest to me

because there is a different
sort of mystery
to be lived
in relationships
where you don’t have to wake up
everyday
and wonder
is today the day
they disappear on me

and i can tell you
that the people i have that certainty with
are the ones i have experienced
the most magic with

because when energy
isn’t pouring into worry
or trying to interpret
what silence means
we have time for deepening
and exploring
we have time for profound intimacy
and being silly
because there is safety
which for some of us
is necessary
to drop in

and i feel like the world
often laughs at this

i feel like the world
often makes light of
the way us humans
try and protect our hearts

i don’t think it’s funny
i get it
if you’ve lived really at all
you have gotten stung
you have been
blindsided
abandoned
or betrayed

so instead of us all walking around
like it’s all good
we are cool
and we don’t need anything
or anyone

i urge you to get clear
on what really matters to you
in romantic partnership
in friendship
with your colleagues
in your community

because the more you know
the most empowered you can be
to ask for what you truly need
without blaming
shaming
or freaking
and without taking it personally
that someone cannot read your mind
or pick up on your subtle clues

and then
its is also your responsibility
to know when to walk away
and not try
and change who someone is naturally
and what makes them happy
to make it work for you

and it’s also your responsibility
to know when to walk away
because you feel like you are
bending so much
you just might break in two

and this may be the hardest part

because if you are anything like me
you might love someone hard
who really isn’t that good for you
and you might compromise
everything
your dreams,
safety
and sanity
to make something work
that isn’t
truly workable
at least not
while honoring your soul

so be willing
to get clear
be clear
and stay in integrity
so the ones meant for you
can find you

❤️ emily joy rosen

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