when trust is broken…

i remember sitting next to her
the day she found out
he’d been having an affair
for months
i remember feeling her heart break
in my body
and i breathed her agony into me

i remember flipping through a phone realizing
those words were texted to someone
not me
and realizing slowly
he’d been lying to me

i remember sitting at the kitchen table
trying to formulate what to say gracefully
only to interrupt him 3 syllables in with,
did you sleep with her?

and i remember recently
having someone incredibly close to me,
tell me something
that made me question everything

i went inside myself to see
if there was anything i could do
to find some empathy
and instead i realized
i was empty

a human hollowed out by pain
so unexpectedly

i know why we run from rejection
and i get why we close our hearts

my trust has been broken
and it’s the hardest thing
i don’t know how to repair

but if you never trust again
you let them take even that
from you

she cried in my arms
and i died a little that day
that day
that day
and that day

he told me he was sorry

and i remembered
how years ago
those words would have meant everything
to me

it’s as we humans do
when something gets in so deep
you find yourself breathless
fearing your body will betray you
that everything will shut down
as your spirit shatters
leaving fragments of dreams sweet
inside you

breath beauty, i said
as she fell into me

laying her head heavy with memories
on my lap

i ran my fingers through her hair
in rhythm with her whimpers
and exhales

i knew the shock would wear through
as it had with me

it is a unique form of suffering
to feel betrayed
and finally clear

sometimes you learn things
that make your past make sense
in reverse

and in that moment
loses gravity
and you know
we know
it’s true

your trust
is something
no one
can take from you

❤️ emily joy rosen

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