yesterday i got a message from someone
who told me they were raped at 7
and a woman who found out her husband
had another family
i got a message from a girl who said
her brother had touched her for 14 years
and a mother who confessed
she had beaten her daughter regularly
when she was just a baby
tuesday i woke up to a photo
of someone’s severely undernourished body
asking me if she had to eat today
and my instagram inbox was flooded
with excruciating pictures
of sliced up arms and inner thighs
and pleas dripping in agony
and unanswerable questions like
“why me, i can’t stop hurting”
people are in suffering
a lot
it blows me away
what we humans endure
what we face in our day to days
is often unspeakable
and so we push things deep
the challenge is
sometimes we forget
where we put things
sometimes we forget
we got hurt
and didn’t feel
so in the busy
when something gets hit
when we get triggered
and we go down
we are not clear
how one little thing
can feel like the world is ending
i have been playing with this lately
when i get upset
i tend to quickly,
often carelessly
assume why
i will look around me
and assign something
or someone
to that feeling
now…
this makes me feel better
at least temporarily
because, i think,
“now i know!”
but it’s often not accurate
and it certainly creates separation
when i am constantly
making everything
about something outside of me
it justifies itself
and then conveniently
i don’t have to look at myself
i don’t have to dig deep
heck,
all i have to do
is fix the thing outside of me
but that hasn’t been working
not lately
and i think it’s mostly because
it’s me
just me
that’s freaking
and while yes, things are triggering me
the work isn’t so much
about changing everything around me
but looking at
what keeps getting hit
in me
hard things happen
to most of us
at some point
we get wounded
and then we get to choose…
do we spend a lifetime
wondering “why me”
feeling pity
or do we learn to be okay
again
and again
it feels as simple
and challenging as that
and…
i am pretty sure
there is no gray zone here
there is no “kinda trying”
healing takes commitment,
time and energy
and you either choose to see it through
or you spend your life trying to manage
the world around you
so you know you will be okay
constantly fearing
the next shoe to drop
the next hand to slip
the next fracture
that will only confirm
what you are starting to believe is true…
there is no one as messed up
as you
if we all were actually open and honest
i think we would be shocked by
what is really going on
for most people
on the inside
i am lucky
i get access
a lot more than most
people share their deepest
darkest, tenderest secrets with me
daily
i am moved
regularly
by what i see, hear, read
and it reminds me
over and over and over again
that we all have
our silent sorrows
and it reinvigorates me
to do my work
to do the work to be
to be
with more
more easily
because my rope
got frayed badly
these last few years
so even the slightest weight
or pull
has me questioning
if i can make it through
or if this time
my rope will break in two
and i am pretty sure
that all my bracing
isn’t helping
i have been noticing
how much i find myself
literally bracing often
my jaw instinctively clenched
my hands trembling slightly
my mind racing
searching for any indication
this isn’t going to be okay
that i am not going to be okay
and the worst part is
i know this isn’t effective
we will always find evidence
for what we focus on
healing, i find, is a balance
a balance
between trusting
and listening
i think my fear has been
that if i am not careful
i will keep repeating
the same missteps
i will keep choosing
things that deeply hurt me
i will keep being disappointed
in me
and i genuinely feel
that i am touching tired
in a way that has me feeling
significantly less resiliency
so i get it…
i get why we get paralyzed
and freeze
i understand why we aren’t sure
if we want to try again
but i also see
nothing but suffering
when we decide
there is no hope for me
so while i cannot tell you
why something happened to you
and while you cannot go back in time
and change anything
you can choose
today and everyday
to never let
anyone
or anything
ever
reduce
you
you my friend
get to choose
be un-reducible
❤️ emily joy rosen
