yesterday was hard
i had a falling out
with someone very dear to me
and i hit hopeless quickly
which always has me go under
because when i don’t know
what to do
i panic
and when i panic
i tend to shut down rapidly
without any thinking
at least that i am aware of
till i am so far gone
it is hard even for me
to reach me

and so i push away
the very thing
i am wanting
which is for things to be good
and to be understood

such a silly catch-22
i can only see
when i have made my way

this time i saw myself
in a windowless corridor
with no end in sight
i was sitting on the bed
in my overly perfumed hotel room
is this going to keep happening
am i going to keep losing track
such that one day
i go so far away
i cannot make my way

i don’t know why
i cannot remember
when triggered

i don’t know why
i cannot let the hurt
be separate from what i know
to be true
just before the pain
comes crashing through

but when something hits
that most tender spot
the one that has me doubting
if love is true
the self doubt is so unbearable
so deeply disillusioning
i’d just rather not feel at all
i’d rather not see
or even talk it through
because what if i am wrong
what if what i am afraid of
is true

what if no one
will be able to meet me here
when i am so far gone
i actually need
to get me through

it is so scary
to need

the last bunch of years
i built my world
not to need
and this was not because
i was happy
and feeling empowered
but rather
because i got hurt
hurt deeply
disturbed seriously
and so i decided
never again
to let myself be
in need

and in some practical ways
i succeeded
yet here i am
years later
feeling profoundly
in a way
that is so confronting
so exposing
it just doesn’t feel good
to be so real
and open

it feels scary
and edgy
i feel uneasy
and jittery

i am reminded
that no one said
growth would feel good
i am reminded
that some things worth having
are just incredibly hard to actualize
i am reminded
that love is everything
and not always enough
to reach an understanding
i am reminded that
sometimes the only thing to say is
i am sorry
i forgive you

and by you
i also mean me
i forgive me

for all the ways
i have lied
and compulsively deflected
for all the ways
i was incorrect
and just plain wrong
for all the ways
i lashed out
and fought a fight that wasn’t mine
for all the times
i put myself in harm’s ways
and insisted on punishment
instead of tenderness
when i found out i was mistaken
for all the ways
i set myself up to fall
and took those around me down too

it is in moments like these
i feel the most i can do
is this…
touch my wounds with forgiveness
the softest sweetest reminder
that we are all human
yes, you too
and sometimes
the bravest thing
we can do
is forgive

may you forgive
forgive even you

❤️ emily joy rosen

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